Welcome to Clowntown

Many years ago a short-lived annual news article made waves while winning awards and accolades (of the highest “caliper”) in the small, leftist rag known as The Echo. The December-released series questioned the authenticity of the liberal establishment and once hailed Ronald Reagan as Man of the Decade. Based upon George Bush’s “1000 Points of Light” this series was called “Top 10 Points of Darkness”. Its main premise: point out the worst of the year, in other words, the Clown moments of the year. So, without further ado, this series has been rekindled…

 Top 10 Points of Clowness 

10. Save It For The Experts (that be Clowntown, yo) 

Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt. Angelina Jolie. Clowns? Certainly. But who is more the Clown? The Clown who Clowns, or the Clowns who follow the Clowns? Certainly I can tell you within a general time frame what these people are up to – professionally – and some of their non-professional activities, but there are scores of common Clowns who know the actual make of Cruise’s sonogram machine. There are others who know the favorite ice-cream flavor of Jolie’s newest tsunami afterbirth. Stop it. Stop buying the ridiculous magazines and stop treating these people’s personal lives as though they’re important. They’re Clowns and so are you.

 9. L’Equipe, Le Poop. 

The slimy French magazine stole some not-so-fresh urine and pinned Lance Armstrong as a doper. Now, is it possible that Armstrong is not the perfect boy-next-door that he wants us to think? Yes. Has it been proven? No. And are the efforts from the what-could-be-worse-than-a-French-journalist pure? Well, of course not. Just another example of the Freedom-envy that exists from those frog-eating mofo’s. The French allegations don’t fly as the evil EPO which Armstrong supposedly used to cheat is also used to help cancer patients. Armstrong’s résistance and fight in the face of near death along with his conquests in the Tour should be celebrated, not denigrated. Stupid French.

8. White Sox Win? 

They did, but under the stars and dreams of most baseball watching fans. Average start time for these games neared 8:40 and with all of the added commercials these games lasted 3 hours plus. So, that meant that Joe fell asleep as the World Series played. I’m sure some twerp named Cody in Colorado banged his thunderstix together as Roger Clemens pitched and told his mommy, “Hey, I know dat guy, he pwayed wif Daywoo Stwawbewwy!” Shut up Cody and shame on the MLB. Start ‘em earlier so Clowntown can watch.

 7. I So Sorry Uncle Patches. 

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story and Team America: World Police were the top two movies of the year, in no particular order. However, the two movies were of course snubbed by the Oscars, where both movies would be seen as non-events. Not surprising, but which movie would you rather watch? Ray or Dodgeball? Team America or The Aviator? No disrespect to those films, but they were out Clown-nominated 12-9 by the Clownding Fathers in the CFA’s. The very sect that searches for Clown and attempts to praise the Crown failed to properly reward brilliant movie-making. The two-best movies of 2004 were disrespected by the very organization that is saddled with the responsibility to protect them. For shame, Clowntown, for shame.

 I’m Matt Damon!

 6. Bacon Wrapped Scallops 

Fred got married. (Well, you did.) At least it gave a forum for many things wrapped in bacon, an audience for Tim Kirkjian impressions, the dandiest ever non-movie Best Man speech and, of course, beer. 

5. Bird Flu Over The Clown’s Nest 

122 infections of Bird Flu (H5N1) in human beings outside of China as of 11/01/2005. Isn’t this the epidemic that’s supposed to kill us all? Um, hey, United Nations and the rest of the world: This is America. We clean ourselves (are you listening France?) and the foods we eat. We don’t concoct new drugs and allow them on the market within weeks, so two years later you’ll have a third arm. We are number one and little birdies coming by with a bad cough won’t kill us.

 4. Wheh R Day? 

Katrina killed, Kanye cried racism, but who actually suffered the most? That’s right: white folk. Now you ask the common man on the street who suffered the worst in the tragedy and most would say that the black community was forgotten. Of course many people of all races, creeds and income levels perished in the floods. Wait – income levels?


 Didn’t Clown Howard Dean suggest that only elderly, poor blacks suffered at the hands of the incompetent Bush Administration? [1]


 Didn’t Wolf Blitzer suggest that they “are so poor, and they are so black?” [2]


Facts: Whites made up 28% of the population of New Orleans, but 36% of the deaths. Blacks made up 67% of the population, but 59% of deaths.


 And a study done by the LA Times suggests that fatalities were found along all economic fronts, including well-to-do communities.[3]

A national disaster was once again used as a political tool, using the ugliest of tactics: smearing those on the other side of the aisle as racists. It’s easy to do with the help of the television medium. The leftist political scum and their television cohorts should be ashamed at their actions. The national response may have been slow and inept, but it could hardly be blamed for disproportionate deaths of black Americans hit by the hurricane and impeding floods. The truth is death and tragedy struck all races and folks of all socio-economic groups in the New Orleans area.

3. W W 3

 George W.’s inability during the year to positively demonstrate the need for continuation in Iraq was particularly troubling. The importance of producing free, democratic states and eliminating dictatorships that offer no chance at the fundamental truths that our Founding Fathers penned years ago is most certainly worth the lives of those who own such freedoms. It is our duty as Americans to foster such states, but don’t take my word for it:

 “I don't regret going, everybody dies but few get to do it for something as important as freedom. It may seem confusing why we are in Iraq, it's not to me. I'm here helping these people, so that they can live the way we live. Not have to worry about tyrants or vicious dictators. To do what they want with their lives. To me that is why I died. Others have died for my freedom, now this is my mark.” 

The words from fallen Marine Cpl. Jeffrey Starr which W used in his latest speech in defense of the war and occupation. But why does it take a fallen solider to so eloquently state this importance and our Commander in Chief can not? 

2. I Ain’t Got No Money

 Still, despite the earnest, sincere and devout attempts, no one in the CGT has won Mega Millions. We have not hit the Mega Ball along with the other glorious and correct numbers so we may swim in room full of Sacagawea’s and never step foot into the “workplace” ever again.

 1. “All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.” – Aristotle

 Which leads me to the number one point of Clown in 2005: We are still working and wasting away in cubicles, offices, showrooms, bowling centers, freeways and the like. From the minute we wake up until the moment we come home we are dedicating our lives, yes dedicating, to the dreaded “work week”. Why designate it the “week” when it should be the “work life”. Sure, we are allowed short respites called “night” and “weekends” in whatever shapes they may be in, but our lives revolve around the thing we detest the most: Work. And it is Clown.




 [2] http://www.keithboykin.com/arch/001510.html

 [3] http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-bodies18dec18,0,7754290.story?coll=la-home-headlines