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Clowntown Op/Ed

For those Mark McGwire lovers out there we have a little comparison between him and Dave Kingman. Their first eight full seasons are quite similar.
 Then McGwire suddenly turns into Babe Ruth in 1996 when the 'Roids start kicking in...
Year Ag Tm  Lg  G   AB    R    H   2B 3B  HR  RBI  SB CS  BB  SO   BA   OBP   SLG *OPS+  TB   SH  SF IBB HBP GDP 
 1986 22 OAK AL  18   53   10   10   1  0   3    9   0  1   4  18  .189  .259  .377   76   20   0   0   0   1   0
 1987 23 OAK AL 151  557   97  161  28  4  49  118   1  1  71 131  .289  .370  .618  164  344   0   8   8   5   6 MVP-6,RoY-1,AS
 1988 24 OAK AL 155  550   87  143  22  1  32   99   0  0  76 117  .260  .352  .478  134  263   1   4   4   4  15 MVP-19,AS
 1989 25 OAK AL 143  490   74  113  17  0  33   95   1  1  83  94  .231  .339  .467  130  229   0  11   5   3  23 MVP-25,AS
 1990 26 OAK AL 156  523   87  123  16  0  39  108   2  1 110 116  .235  .370  .489  143  256   1   9   9   7  13 MVP-11,AS
 1991 27 OAK AL 154  483   62   97  22  0  22   75   2  1  93 116  .201  .330  .383  103  185   1   5   3   3  13 AS
 1992 28 OAK AL 139  467   87  125  22  0  42  104   0  1  90 105  .268  .385  .585  175  273   0   9  12   5  10 SS,MVP-4,AS
 1993 29 OAK AL  27   84   16   28   6  0   9   24   0  1  21  19  .333  .467  .726  224   61   0   1   5   1   0
 1994 30 OAK AL  47  135   26   34   3  0   9   25   0  0  37  40  .252  .413  .474  137   64   0   0   3   0   3
Total           990 3342  546  834 137  5 238  657            756  .249          



Year Ag Tm  Lg  G   AB    R    H   2B 3B  HR  RBI  SB CS  BB  SO   BA   OBP   SLG *OPS+  TB   SH  SF IBB HBP GDP 
 1971 22 SFG NL  41  115   17   32  10  2   6   24   5  0   9  35  .278  .328  .557  149   64   0   3   0   1   2
 1972 23 SFG NL 135  472   65  106  17  4  29   83  16  6  51 140  .225  .303  .462  114  218   0   4   2   4   9 MVP-24
 1973 24 SFG NL 112  305   54   62  10  1  24   55   8  5  41 122  .203  .300  .479  110  146   1   2   3   2   8
 1974 25 SFG NL 121  350   41   78  18  2  18   55   8  8  37 125  .223  .302  .440  102  154   2   1   2   3   8
 1975 26 NYM NL 134  502   65  116  22  1  36   88   7  5  34 153  .231  .284  .494  118  248   1   2   5   4  13 MVP-19
 1976 27 NYM NL 123  474   70  113  14  1  37   86   7  4  28 135  .238  .286  .506  128  240   0   3   4   5  11 MVP-18,AS
 1977 28 TOT    132  439   47   97  20  0  26   78   5  6  28 143  .221  .276  .444   96  195   3   4   4   7   6
 1978 29 CHC NL 119  395   65  105  17  4  28   79   3  4  39 111  .266  .336  .542  131  214   2   6   8   6   3
 1979 30 CHC NL 145  532   97  153  19  5  48  115   4  2  45 131  .288  .343  .613  146  326   0   8   7   4   7 MVP-11,AS
Total          1062 3594  521  862 147 38 252  663  63       1095  .239


                          Year  G   AB    R    H   2B  3B  HR  RBI  SB  SO    BA  
Mark McGwire (86-94) 
Total  990 3342  546  834 137  5 238  657   9  756  .249
Dave Kingman (71-79)  Total 1062 3594  521  862 147 38 252  663  63 1095  .239





Retirement Now - by PAAAAAUL

Whether you live until age 35 or 105, life, in the grand scheme of things, is short. Today - May 29, 2006 demonstrated to me all that can be right and all that is wrong with life.  First, I offer the following summary of how magnificent today was: 

I woke up around 7:30 am. I first went to work out.  Nothing over the top crazy but a fairly good workout.  Thereafter I showered and then went out to get coffee.  I then came back home, checked e-mail, fantasy baseball, sports and news generally on line.  This brought me close to about 11:45 am.  I then went out for lunch at Cosi at the Reston Town Center.  I then came home and laid on my couch and began watching the Yankees game.  It occurred to me that I was a little tired and I remembered that it was my perogative to do anything today so I decided I could take a nap.  There is nothing quite like an afternoon nap.  I slept for about an hour from 1:30-2:30.  I was so incredibly relaxed during the nap and immediately thereafter that I cannot even come up with an adjective to truly put how relaxed I was into context.  At about 3 pm, I arose from my nap/the couch, and took a walk down to the pool outside my place here.  I sat on a chair and read a magazine for a while, and then took a dip in the pool which was quite refreshing on the 90 plus degree day here.  That brought me to about 4:30 and then I came back to my place and checked e-mail again.  I then ate some lasagna and that brings me to about where i am right now.  The entire experience up to this point today has been truly sublime.
As I settle into the early evening hours now, I can't help but reflect on how amazing today was.  The only thing I regret, in part, is that I indeed did not even come close to scratching the surface on embarking upon all the options that were before me today for things to occupy my time.  And now - I begin to get a little depressed because I know tomorrow is coming and the dreaded and perpetually gay "W" word assoicated with tomorrow is beyond disheartening.
In sum, today absolutely confirmed that I am beyond ready to retire.  The concept that one would get bored is so fundamentally gay and absurd that it is difficult to fathom that anyone could even make such a suggestion.  I really, honestly and truly - from this day forward, have one and only one life goal - and that is to some how, some way, find a way to be able to live all days like this one. I think I have aid in the past that it is my goal, but I am dead serious - this is my only life goal. 


2/7/06 - Shaun Alexander - Super Bowl Loser
by Matt Minucci
On "Inside the NFL" last week, Peter King mentioned that Shaun Alexander was definitely heading for free agency this spring, adding that he could probably get $6.5 million a year from Seattle, but somebody like Arizona would probably be willing to go to $8.5 million for him. Peter thought Alexander was leaning toward taking the money, since it was his one big chance to cash in.

Allow me to interject. It's already been established that Alexander's MVP award was a joke; ask any Seahawks fan to rank the three most indispensable players for Sunday's game, and I guarantee anyone's list will look like this: (1) Walter Jones; (2) Hasselbeck; (3) Alexander. In that order. If they say differently, they're lying.  Anyone with two legs, two arms and a head could run for 1,000 yards behind Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson.

So why would Alexander possibly want to leave a very good team with a great offensive line for a shaky team with a shaky offensive line? Sure, he makes extra money in the short term, but what happens 10 months from now, when he's averaging 3.3 yards per carry, fighting off the aftereffects of 20 gang-tackles a game, and dealing with the collective animosity of 25,000 pissed-off fantasy owners? He's going to be using that extra $2 million for Vicodin, booze and psychiatric care. That's what happens. Watching Alexander this week, I feel like I'm watching David Caruso during those last few episodes before he left "NYPD Blue" to make "Jade." I hope he reconsiders.

But to you sir, I say, "Sell Mortimer! Sell!!!!!!"

2/2/06 - Why I hate elmo - by Scummy the clown

12/30/05 - Year in Review - Ten Points of Clown

12/8/05 - Scummy The Clown Goes Off On Star Wars - The Rebels were the BAD GUYS!

 Scientists Ought to be in Hall of Crowns

I would like to nominate Galileo, Copernicus, and B.F. Skinner for induction into the Hall of Crowns. I saw recent inductee Charles Darwin and was very happy. You see, these four individuals are my scientific heroes.

 Galileo and Copernicus because they had the balls to propose the heliocentric model of the solar system as a replacement for the geocentric model. This was the first huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.

 Darwin because he had the balls to propose evolution by natural selection as a means by which to account for the diversity of life on the planet as a replacement for creationism. This was the second huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe. 

Skinner because he had the balls to propose that human behavior is a function of both present and historical contingencies of reinforcement as a replacement for the self-initiating homunculus (i.e., little man inside the man). This was the third huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.

 Tony Clownirelli, June 2, 2003

Editor's Note: Measure approved for Galileo and Copernicus... and "yeah, what he said."


December 10, 2002  
Nature and Violence To The Hall of Crowns  
by Sonn Dogg  
  Here is the official vote by Justin "Sonn Dogg" Harper for the December 2002 edition of the Hall of Crowns. He managed to squeeze in eleven votes. But we will forgive him his error due to the witty, hilarious and original presentation:

-John M. Browning, who revolutionized the design of firearms with innovation, foresight, and an appreciation for perfection which continues strongly even today.

-The Dali Llama, his ultimate cool(headed)ness, be good to everyone, posess nothing material, give away anger, and revel in the success and good fortune of brethren, and sistren(?).

-Clint Eastwood, half a century of in your face, no-nonsense entertainment, some high clownage in
recent years to be sure, but an untarnished repertoire of greatness from yore. Dirty Harry Callahan, and 'The Man with No Name', opened up whole cases of whup-ass all over lawless scum, be they San Franciscan, or Spaghetti Westerner.

-Betsy Ross, most often credited with the prototype of our flag, upon later versions of which so many have likely gazed in the last moments of their lives, and for which so many of those lives were-and continue to be-given. Her vision of color and representation SEEMS to have had a lasting effect on how we portray and present our country.

-Charlie Brown, who needs neither introduction, nor verbose praise, truly 'the round headed kid' is a
Crown lifeboat, in a sea of clowny waters.

-The Colt Model 1911 .45 Auto, responsible for protecting, saving-as well as taking-the lives of
enough people to fill a third world country, several times most likely!!! Solid performance, non-negotiable knock down power, undeniable good looks, still a legend after ninety years in production and service.

-Smokey the Bear, c'mon, preventing forest fires for over fifty years is worth a crown? He's a bear,
working for the preservation of life, limb, and the paper industry, and (soft gravelly voice) THE ONLY

-L(eon) L(eonwood) Bean, innovator, visionist, outdoorsy kind of guy-ok some newer designs are
smarmy, (bombastically so in extreme cases) but all in all, by and large, a solid, performing supplier of quality gear for anyone, indoors, outdoors, wherever.

-The Polar Icecaps, now, if these guys hit the road en masse, Tennessee becomes beachfront property, thus wherever would we put all the senior citizens, so let's give it up for Polar Icecaps.

-Bill Gates, the epitome of shameless, unabashed, I-don't-care-we're-gonna-do-it my-way, rich bastard opulence that many dream of, and scant few achieve. It's only a monopoly if you PREVENT others from selling their respective products, not just because yours is better!

-Our FOUNDER, Frederick Charles Muller IV, without whom, none of this colorful, classic means by which to wile away time online (the Clowntown Regime) would be existent or even possible. Hats off to our founder (no brown-nosing here), SALUD!!!


Expansion Bad And Bones

You know (a Richie saying), why the hell did baseball expand back in 1993?
Look at the stupid teams that are in trouble, and look at the teams that
have been most recently added?  That's more then coincidence.   Colorado,
Florida, Arizona and Tampa.  Not familiar with Colorado situation (they are
unique do to geography) but the others are on their last legs.  They should
have never expanded.  I don't remember all of these problems in the 80's.
They had problems but not like this.

Fuck it.  Get rid of all the expanded teams and be done with it.  The
smaller market teams would have to have good players because there would be
no where else to go.  These Darren Oliver and Derek Bell types wouldn't get
paid 8 mil a year, because there would be more players competing for spots
on fewer teams.  Look at the 80's and early 90's.  The teams that were
good.  The Yankees (most wins/no titles), Red Sox, Pirates, Brewers,
Cardinals, Dodgers, Tigers, Royals, A's, Twins, Orioles, Cubs, Padres,

See a pattern?  Big market and small market alike were good.  There was
better talent among fewer teams.  Every team had at least 2 or 3 great
players.  Yankees (Mattingly/Winfield), Red Sox(Rice/Evans/Boggs),
Brewers(Molitor/Yount), Twins(Puckett/Hrbek), Cubs (Dawson/Sandberg),
Pirates (Bonds/Bonilla), etc...

Expansion has hurt the game more then we realize.

That's Jay Goo's 2 cents...

Loretta Not That Bad  
In the Brewer's defense - Loretta was reinked for many  reasons. Valuable defensive player. He gives you a  strat like 2/3 rating at all infield positions. He hit  .316 in '98 and .290 in '99 with 170 hits. It looked  like he would be a replacement for the traded Cirillo,  who was the best player the Brewers had. The Brewers  did not want to make the same mistake twice. So  keeping Loretta was a priority.   At the time they had zero reliable infielders left.  Jose Valentin was the best one they had. Belliard,  Houston, Hernandez (who aren't that great) were not  starters or Brewers at that point.

Loretta: Not Clown

Loretta since '99  has been set back by two serious injuries (busted  thumb and broken fibula) Injuries that do not heal  quickly. Now, he languishes on the bench thanks to  Davey Lopes the Supreme Idiota. I think Loretta sits  because he's white. Really, I do.   The others are serious wastes of money, but here are  some other great names the Brewers have wasted money  on:   SP: Jaime Navarro, Ben McDonald,  1b: Franklin Stubbs, Dave Parker (although he was  great for one year)   2b: Eric Young  ss: Jose Hernandez (too early to tell)  3b: Sean Berry  OF:Kevin Reimer  OF: Jeff Hammonds  OF: Marquis Grisson   rP: Leskanic.   What a group of scrubs.   Now, here's the list of players that were too  expensive to keep. (ie, players you want to have if  you want to win)   c: BJ Surhoff  1b: ?? John Jaha (only one good year after Milwaukee)  2b: Fernando Vina  ss: Jose Valentin  3b: Jeff Cirillo  of: Gary Sheffield  of: Gregg Vaughn  of: Jeromy Burnitz   sp: Jeff D'Amico  sp: Hideo Nomo  rp: Dan Plesac   there are more, just can't think of them all.   Clowntown.

Minister G's Mock 2002 NFL Draft
The greatest day of the calendar year has nearly arrived.  It's time for the
2002 NFL Draft.  This week millions of draftniks, like yours truly, realize
they have too much time on their hands as they try to predict the first
round.  I offer no gurantees.  The draft is just too complicated, but always
remember one thing:  Just because I was wrong doesn't mean I wasn't right. 
Here goes:

1. Houston - David Carr, QB, Fresno St.
2. Carolina - Julius Peppers, DE, North Carolina
    -Could go Jammer but doubtful
3. Detroit - Quentin Jammer, CB, Texas
    -Could trade or take Harrington as well
4. Buffalo - Ryan Sims, DT, North Carolina
    -Everyone else say Mike Willaims OT.  Oh well.
5. San Diego - Mike Williams, OT, Texas
    -If off the board, possibly WR Donte Stallworth
6. Dallas - Roy Williams, S, Oklahoma
    -A 5-11 team can never have too much defense
7. Minnesota - Bryant McKinnie, OT, Miami
    -A steal at this point.
8. Kansas City - Joey Harrington, QB, Oregon
    -Could be Stallworth or a DT as well.  Could also trade out of the spot.
9. Jacksonville - Albert Haynesworth, DT, Tenn.
10. Cincinnati - Wendell Bryant, DT, Wisconsin
    -Would love for Harrington to fall.  CB Buchanon is tempting too.
11. Indianapolis - John Henderson, DT, Tenn.
    -If healthy, Henderson could be a steal for defense starved Colts.
12. Arizona - Charles Grant, DE, Georgia
    -Grant's stock is rising, and the Cards need defense in the worst way.
13. New Orleans - Philip Buchanon, CB, Miami
    -A tough call between Buchanon and Stallworth
14. Tennessee - Donte Stallworth, WR, Tenn.
    -Titans shocked he lasted this long.
15. N.Y. Giants - Jeremy Shockey, TE, Miami
    -The one pick every draftnik agrees upon...it'll never happen.
16. Atlanta - Ashley Lelie, WR, Hawaii
    -Falcons crave speed
17. Cleveland - T.J. Duckett, RB, Mich. St.
    -See Shockey commentary.
18. Washington - Jabar Gaffney, WR, Florida
    - Another one of Spurrier's boys.  Could also trade up or down.
19. Denver - Napoleon Harris
20. Seattle - Kalimba Edwards, DE, South Carolina
    - Colorado TE Daniel Graham a real possibility as well.
21. Oakland - Eddie Freeman, DT, UAB
    -A little bit of a surprise, but it's the Raiders.
22. N.Y. Jets - Lito Sheppard, CB, Florida
    -Crave DB's
23. Oakland - Antonio Bryant, WR, Pitt
    -Raiders are a perfect fit for the troubled Bryant.
24. Baltimore - Levi Jones, OT, Arizona St.
25. New Orleans - Daniel Graham, TE, Colorado
    -Would love a reciever if one of the top three fall
26. Philadelphia - William Green, RB, Boston College
    -A home run hitter for the stagnant Eagles offense.
27. San Francisco - Javon Walker, WR, Florida St.
    -Terrell Owens is not earning brownie points by the bay.
28. Green Bay - Anthony Weaver, DT, Notre Dame
    - Miami's Ed Reed is also a possibility.
29. Chicago - Dwight Freeney, DE, Syracuse
    -Everyone says it's true.  Who am I to disagree?
30. Pittsburgh - Ed Reed, S, Miami
    -Another steal this late in the first round.
31. St. Louis - Andre Gurode, G, Colorado
    -Maybe the meanest lineman in the draft.
32. New England - Bryan Thomas, DE, UAB
    -Did you really think Belichick would draft offense?