Commentary

Clowntown Op/Ed

For those Mark McGwire lovers out there we have a little comparison between him and Dave Kingman. Their first eight full seasons are quite similar. Then McGwire suddenly turns into Babe Ruth in 1996 when the 'Roids start kicking in...
	McGwire Year Ag Tm Lg G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI SB CS BB SO BA OBP SLG *OPS+ TB SH SF IBB HBP GDP +--------------+---+----+----+----+---+--+---+----+---+--+---+---+-----+-----+-----+----+----+---+---+---+---+---+ 1986 22 OAK AL 18 53 10 10 1 0 3 9 0 1 4 18 .189 .259 .377 76 20 0 0 0 1 0 1987 23 OAK AL 151 557 97 161 28 4 49 118 1 1 71 131 .289 .370 .618 164 344 0 8 8 5 6 MVP-6,RoY-1,AS 1988 24 OAK AL 155 550 87 143 22 1 32 99 0 0 76 117 .260 .352 .478 134 263 1 4 4 4 15 MVP-19,AS 1989 25 OAK AL 143 490 74 113 17 0 33 95 1 1 83 94 .231 .339 .467 130 229 0 11 5 3 23 MVP-25,AS 1990 26 OAK AL 156 523 87 123 16 0 39 108 2 1 110 116 .235 .370 .489 143 256 1 9 9 7 13 MVP-11,AS 1991 27 OAK AL 154 483 62 97 22 0 22 75 2 1 93 116 .201 .330 .383 103 185 1 5 3 3 13 AS 1992 28 OAK AL 139 467 87 125 22 0 42 104 0 1 90 105 .268 .385 .585 175 273 0 9 12 5 10 SS,MVP-4,AS 1993 29 OAK AL 27 84 16 28 6 0 9 24 0 1 21 19 .333 .467 .726 224 61 0 1 5 1 0 1994 30 OAK AL 47 135 26 34 3 0 9 25 0 0 37 40 .252 .413 .474 137 64 0 0 3 0 3 Total 990 3342 546 834 137 5 238 657 756 .249
	Kingman Year Ag Tm Lg G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI SB CS BB SO BA OBP SLG *OPS+ TB SH SF IBB HBP GDP +--------------+---+----+----+----+---+--+---+----+---+--+---+---+-----+-----+-----+----+----+---+---+---+---+---+ 1971 22 SFG NL 41 115 17 32 10 2 6 24 5 0 9 35 .278 .328 .557 149 64 0 3 0 1 2 1972 23 SFG NL 135 472 65 106 17 4 29 83 16 6 51 140 .225 .303 .462 114 218 0 4 2 4 9 MVP-24 1973 24 SFG NL 112 305 54 62 10 1 24 55 8 5 41 122 .203 .300 .479 110 146 1 2 3 2 8 1974 25 SFG NL 121 350 41 78 18 2 18 55 8 8 37 125 .223 .302 .440 102 154 2 1 2 3 8 1975 26 NYM NL 134 502 65 116 22 1 36 88 7 5 34 153 .231 .284 .494 118 248 1 2 5 4 13 MVP-19 1976 27 NYM NL 123 474 70 113 14 1 37 86 7 4 28 135 .238 .286 .506 128 240 0 3 4 5 11 MVP-18,AS 1977 28 TOT 132 439 47 97 20 0 26 78 5 6 28 143 .221 .276 .444 96 195 3 4 4 7 6 1978 29 CHC NL 119 395 65 105 17 4 28 79 3 4 39 111 .266 .336 .542 131 214 2 6 8 6 3 1979 30 CHC NL 145 532 97 153 19 5 48 115 4 2 45 131 .288 .343 .613 146 326 0 8 7 4 7 MVP-11,AS Total 1062 3594 521 862 147 38 252 663 63 1095 .239
	Year G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI SB SO BA Mark McGwire (’86-94) Total 990 3342 546 834 137 5 238 657 9 756 .249 Dave Kingman (’71-79) Total 1062 3594 521 862 147 38 252 663 63 1095 .239

6/2/06

Retirement Now - by PAAAAAUL

Whether you live until age 35 or 105, life, in the grand scheme of things, is short. Today - May 29, 2006 demonstrated to me all that can be right and all that is wrong with life. First, I offer the following summary of how magnificent today was:

I woke up around 7:30 am. I first went to work out. Nothing over the top crazy but a fairly good workout. Thereafter I showered and then went out to get coffee. I then came back home, checked e-mail, fantasy baseball, sports and news generally on line. This brought me close to about 11:45 am. I then went out for lunch at Cosi at the Reston Town Center. I then came home and laid on my couch and began watching the Yankees game. It occurred to me that I was a little tired and I remembered that it was my perogative to do anything today so I decided I could take a nap. There is nothing quite like an afternoon nap. I slept for about an hour from 1:30-2:30. I was so incredibly relaxed during the nap and immediately thereafter that I cannot even come up with an adjective to truly put how relaxed I was into context. At about 3 pm, I arose from my nap/the couch, and took a walk down to the pool outside my place here. I sat on a chair and read a magazine for a while, and then took a dip in the pool which was quite refreshing on the 90 plus degree day here. That brought me to about 4:30 and then I came back to my place and checked e-mail again. I then ate some lasagna and that brings me to about where i am right now. The entire experience up to this point today has been truly sublime.

As I settle into the early evening hours now, I can't help but reflect on how amazing today was. The only thing I regret, in part, is that I indeed did not even come close to scratching the surface on embarking upon all the options that were before me today for things to occupy my time. And now - I begin to get a little depressed because I know tomorrow is coming and the dreaded and perpetually gay "W" word assoicated with tomorrow is beyond disheartening.

In sum, today absolutely confirmed that I am beyond ready to retire. The concept that one would get bored is so fundamentally gay and absurd that it is difficult to fathom that anyone could even make such a suggestion. I really, honestly and truly - from this day forward, have one and only one life goal - and that is to some how, some way, find a way to be able to live all days like this one. I think I have aid in the past that it is my goal, but I am dead serious - this is my only life goal.

2/7/06 - Shaun Alexander - Super Bowl Loser
by Matt Minucci

On "Inside the NFL" last week, Peter King mentioned that Shaun Alexander was definitely heading for free agency this spring, adding that he could probably get $6.5 million a year from Seattle, but somebody like Arizona would probably be willing to go to $8.5 million for him. Peter thought Alexander was leaning toward taking the money, since it was his one big chance to cash in.

Allow me to interject. It's already been established that Alexander's MVP award was a joke; ask any Seahawks fan to rank the three most indispensable players for Sunday's game, and I guarantee anyone's list will look like this: (1) Walter Jones; (2) Hasselbeck; (3) Alexander. In that order. If they say differently, they're lying. Anyone with two legs, two arms and a head could run for 1,000 yards behind Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson.

So why would Alexander possibly want to leave a very good team with a great offensive line for a shaky team with a shaky offensive line? Sure, he makes extra money in the short term, but what happens 10 months from now, when he's averaging 3.3 yards per carry, fighting off the aftereffects of 20 gang-tackles a game, and dealing with the collective animosity of 25,000 pissed-off fantasy owners? He's going to be using that extra $2 million for Vicodin, booze and psychiatric care. That's what happens. Watching Alexander this week, I feel like I'm watching David Caruso during those last few episodes before he left "NYPD Blue" to make "Jade." I hope he reconsiders.

But to you sir, I say, "Sell Mortimer! Sell!!!!!!"

2/2/06 - Why I hate elmo - by Scummy the clown

12/30/05 - Year in Review - Ten Points of Clown

12/8/05 - Scummy The Clown Goes Off On Star Wars - The Rebels were the BAD GUYS!

Scientists Ought to be in Hall of Crowns

I would like to nominate Galileo, Copernicus, and B.F. Skinner for induction into the Hall of Crowns. I saw recent inductee Charles Darwin and was very happy. You see, these four individuals are my scientific heroes.

Galileo and Copernicus because they had the balls to propose the heliocentric model of the solar system as a replacement for the geocentric model. This was the first huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.

Darwin because he had the balls to propose evolution by natural selection as a means by which to account for the diversity of life on the planet as a replacement for creationism. This was the second huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.

Skinner because he had the balls to propose that human behavior is a function of both present and historical contingencies of reinforcement as a replacement for the self-initiating homunculus (i.e., little man inside the man). This was the third huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.

Tony Clownirelli, June 2, 2003

Editor's Note: Measure approved for Galileo and Copernicus... and "yeah, what he said."

December 10, 2002
Nature and Violence To The Hall of Crowns
by Sonn Dogg
Here is the official vote by Justin "Sonn Dogg" Harper for the December 2002 edition of the Hall of Crowns. He managed to squeeze in eleven votes. But we will forgive him his error due to the witty, hilarious and original presentation: -John M. Browning, who revolutionized the design of firearms with innovation, foresight, and an appreciation for perfection which continues strongly even today. -The Dali Llama, his ultimate cool(headed)ness, be good to everyone, posess nothing material, give away anger, and revel in the success and good fortune of brethren, and sistren(?). -Clint Eastwood, half a century of in your face, no-nonsense entertainment, some high clownage in recent years to be sure, but an untarnished repertoire of greatness from yore. Dirty Harry Callahan, and 'The Man with No Name', opened up whole cases of whup-ass all over lawless scum, be they San Franciscan, or Spaghetti Westerner. -Betsy Ross, most often credited with the prototype of our flag, upon later versions of which so many have likely gazed in the last moments of their lives, and for which so many of those lives were-and continue to be-given. Her vision of color and representation SEEMS to have had a lasting effect on how we portray and present our country. -Charlie Brown, who needs neither introduction, nor verbose praise, truly 'the round headed kid' is a Crown lifeboat, in a sea of clowny waters. -The Colt Model 1911 .45 Auto, responsible for protecting, saving-as well as taking-the lives of enough people to fill a third world country, several times most likely!!! Solid performance, non-negotiable knock down power, undeniable good looks, still a legend after ninety years in production and service. -Smokey the Bear, c'mon, preventing forest fires for over fifty years is worth a crown? He's a bear, working for the preservation of life, limb, and the paper industry, and (soft gravelly voice) THE ONLY WAY....HE CAN GET IN....IS A VOTE FROM THE MEMBERS OF CLOWNTOWN. -L(eon) L(eonwood) Bean, innovator, visionist, outdoorsy kind of guy-ok some newer designs are smarmy, (bombastically so in extreme cases) but all in all, by and large, a solid, performing supplier of quality gear for anyone, indoors, outdoors, wherever. -The Polar Icecaps, now, if these guys hit the road en masse, Tennessee becomes beachfront property, thus wherever would we put all the senior citizens, so let's give it up for Polar Icecaps. -Bill Gates, the epitome of shameless, unabashed, I-don't-care-we're-gonna-do-it my-way, rich bastard opulence that many dream of, and scant few achieve. It's only a monopoly if you PREVENT others from selling their respective products, not just because yours is better! -Our FOUNDER, Frederick Charles Muller IV, without whom, none of this colorful, classic means by which to wile away time online (the Clowntown Regime) would be existent or even possible. Hats off to our founder (no brown-nosing here), SALUD!!! -SonnDogg

Expansion Bad And Bones

You know (a Richie saying), why the hell did baseball expand back in 1993?
Look at the stupid teams that are in trouble, and look at the teams that
have been most recently added? That's more then coincidence. Colorado,
Florida, Arizona and Tampa. Not familiar with Colorado situation (they are
unique do to geography) but the others are on their last legs. They should
have never expanded. I don't remember all of these problems in the 80's.
They had problems but not like this.

Fuck it. Get rid of all the expanded teams and be done with it. The
smaller market teams would have to have good players because there would be
no where else to go. These Darren Oliver and Derek Bell types wouldn't get
paid 8 mil a year, because there would be more players competing for spots
on fewer teams. Look at the 80's and early 90's. The teams that were
good. The Yankees (most wins/no titles), Red Sox, Pirates, Brewers,
Cardinals, Dodgers, Tigers, Royals, A's, Twins, Orioles, Cubs, Padres,
etc...

See a pattern? Big market and small market alike were good. There was
better talent among fewer teams. Every team had at least 2 or 3 great
players. Yankees (Mattingly/Winfield), Red Sox(Rice/Evans/Boggs),
Brewers(Molitor/Yount), Twins(Puckett/Hrbek), Cubs (Dawson/Sandberg),
Pirates (Bonds/Bonilla), etc...

Expansion has hurt the game more then we realize.

That's Jay Goo's 2 cents...

Loretta Not That Bad
In the Brewer's defense - Loretta was reinked for many reasons. Valuable defensive player. He gives you a strat like 2/3 rating at all infield positions. He hit .316 in '98 and .290 in '99 with 170 hits. It looked like he would be a replacement for the traded Cirillo, who was the best player the Brewers had. The Brewers did not want to make the same mistake twice. So keeping Loretta was a priority. At the time they had zero reliable infielders left. Jose Valentin was the best one they had. Belliard, Houston, Hernandez (who aren't that great) were not starters or Brewers at that point.	Loretta: Not Clown
Loretta since '99 has been set back by two serious injuries (busted thumb and broken fibula) Injuries that do not heal quickly. Now, he languishes on the bench thanks to Davey Lopes the Supreme Idiota. I think Loretta sits because he's white. Really, I do. The others are serious wastes of money, but here are some other great names the Brewers have wasted money on: SP: Jaime Navarro, Ben McDonald, 1b: Franklin Stubbs, Dave Parker (although he was great for one year) 2b: Eric Young ss: Jose Hernandez (too early to tell) 3b: Sean Berry OF:Kevin Reimer OF: Jeff Hammonds OF: Marquis Grisson rP: Leskanic. What a group of scrubs. Now, here's the list of players that were too expensive to keep. (ie, players you want to have if you want to win) c: BJ Surhoff 1b: ?? John Jaha (only one good year after Milwaukee) 2b: Fernando Vina ss: Jose Valentin 3b: Jeff Cirillo of: Gary Sheffield of: Gregg Vaughn of: Jeromy Burnitz sp: Jeff D'Amico sp: Hideo Nomo rp: Dan Plesac there are more, just can't think of them all. Clowntown.

Minister G's Mock 2002 NFL Draft

The greatest day of the calendar year has nearly arrived. It's time for the
2002 NFL Draft. This week millions of draftniks, like yours truly, realize
they have too much time on their hands as they try to predict the first
round. I offer no gurantees. The draft is just too complicated, but always
remember one thing: Just because I was wrong doesn't mean I wasn't right.
Here goes:

1. Houston - David Carr, QB, Fresno St.
2. Carolina - Julius Peppers, DE, North Carolina
    -Could go Jammer but doubtful
3. Detroit - Quentin Jammer, CB, Texas
    -Could trade or take Harrington as well
4. Buffalo - Ryan Sims, DT, North Carolina
    -Everyone else say Mike Willaims OT. Oh well.
5. San Diego - Mike Williams, OT, Texas
    -If off the board, possibly WR Donte Stallworth
6. Dallas - Roy Williams, S, Oklahoma
    -A 5-11 team can never have too much defense
7. Minnesota - Bryant McKinnie, OT, Miami
    -A steal at this point.
8. Kansas City - Joey Harrington, QB, Oregon
    -Could be Stallworth or a DT as well. Could also trade out of the spot.
9. Jacksonville - Albert Haynesworth, DT, Tenn.
10. Cincinnati - Wendell Bryant, DT, Wisconsin
    -Would love for Harrington to fall. CB Buchanon is tempting too.
11. Indianapolis - John Henderson, DT, Tenn.
    -If healthy, Henderson could be a steal for defense starved Colts.
12. Arizona - Charles Grant, DE, Georgia
    -Grant's stock is rising, and the Cards need defense in the worst way.
13. New Orleans - Philip Buchanon, CB, Miami
    -A tough call between Buchanon and Stallworth
14. Tennessee - Donte Stallworth, WR, Tenn.
    -Titans shocked he lasted this long.
15. N.Y. Giants - Jeremy Shockey, TE, Miami
    -The one pick every draftnik agrees upon...it'll never happen.
16. Atlanta - Ashley Lelie, WR, Hawaii
    -Falcons crave speed
17. Cleveland - T.J. Duckett, RB, Mich. St.
    -See Shockey commentary.
18. Washington - Jabar Gaffney, WR, Florida
    - Another one of Spurrier's boys. Could also trade up or down.
19. Denver - Napoleon Harris
20. Seattle - Kalimba Edwards, DE, South Carolina
    - Colorado TE Daniel Graham a real possibility as well.
21. Oakland - Eddie Freeman, DT, UAB
    -A little bit of a surprise, but it's the Raiders.
22. N.Y. Jets - Lito Sheppard, CB, Florida
    -Crave DB's
23. Oakland - Antonio Bryant, WR, Pitt
    -Raiders are a perfect fit for the troubled Bryant.
24. Baltimore - Levi Jones, OT, Arizona St.
25. New Orleans - Daniel Graham, TE, Colorado
    -Would love a reciever if one of the top three fall
26. Philadelphia - William Green, RB, Boston College
    -A home run hitter for the stagnant Eagles offense.
27. San Francisco - Javon Walker, WR, Florida St.
    -Terrell Owens is not earning brownie points by the bay.
28. Green Bay - Anthony Weaver, DT, Notre Dame
    - Miami's Ed Reed is also a possibility.
29. Chicago - Dwight Freeney, DE, Syracuse
    -Everyone says it's true. Who am I to disagree?
30. Pittsburgh - Ed Reed, S, Miami
    -Another steal this late in the first round.
31. St. Louis - Andre Gurode, G, Colorado
    -Maybe the meanest lineman in the draft.
32. New England - Bryan Thomas, DE, UAB
    -Did you really think Belichick would draft offense?