...by Scummy the Clown
Ok kiddies, how the hell are ya? It's yer ol' pal Scummy the Clown, back
from a bender on Freemont street where I set a record in distance for
projectile vomiting partially digested burritos and tequila inside the
Glitter Gulch snatch bar. I am here to give ya a little rant on one of the
vilest, most despicable characters in TV history...that little red commie
snot-nosed bastich, Elmo.
Where the HELL did PBS dredge up this waste of cotton and rayon? I cannot
begin to tell you how much I loathe Elmo. Just typing his name gives me
hives. Ahh, where to begin...
Well here's the thing kiddies. I love Sesame Street. I do. I am not
bullshitting you boys and cum-dumpsters. I love the show. It really is a
stirring depiction of life in the ghetto. There is such a wide array of
maladjusted deviants, that I get my rocks off just watching those
neon-colored puppets bounce around in an almost sexual dance of debauchery.
But not Elmo. Oh no, that friggin scumbag is untouchable. The litte red
ferret is pristine. He got no edge.
Which is where my problem lies. Every character except Elmo, on Sesame
Street, has an edge. Don't believe me? Let's take a look, kiddies, shall
we? Can you say "tu tengo much dinero por tequilla y puss-o!" I knew you
Big Bird. Oh man. Where do I begin. And 8 foot tall flightless canary who
lives in an abandoned lot in an alleyway behind the building's garbage
heap. Big bird is clearly anti-social, constantly insecure and an obvious
follower who will do anything anyone tells him. He is also delusional as
evidenced by his constant conversations with his imaginary friend, "Mr
Snuffalufagus", which also alludes to gender-confusion issues.
The Aforementioned Mr. Snuffalufagus - or Snuffy for short. Well, to start
with, he's imaginary. He doesn't exist. Which leads to all manner of
identity crisis' and self-confidence issues. Plus, he's a 14 foot long
wooly mammoth, who has all the inner strength of a 2 inch field mouse.
Clearly serious pyschological issues probably stemming from an abusive
Grover. Severe self-esteem issues. Constantly referring to himself as
"cute, furry monster" a clear contradiction in terms. His failure to accept
his own basic monster template has led to psychosis, delusion and possible
paranoid schizoprenia. He often pretends he is "super grover" complete with
medieval helmet and cape. Sees himself as a self-proclaimed neitschzian
super-man. Clearly, grover is a ticking time bomb, ready to explode and gut
Gordon like a fish on the street one day, simply for saying 'good morning'
the wrong way.
Prairie Dawn - don't even get me started on Prairie Dawn.
Ernie & Bert. Hoo-boy kiddies. Let me take a drink for this one. No.
I'll need to take these two one at a time.
Ernie is clearly a sociopath. He moves from group to group, causing
complete carnage wherever he goes, and then sniggers about the mass
destruction wrought in his wake. Ever see "Journey to Ernie"? He pulls Big
Bird, the follower, along helplessly, in order to 'find' the hidden Ernie.
It's obscene. Ernie also has Munchausen's syndrome and clearly is
self-centered and egotistical. He is also gay. But he freely admits this.
Bert is just plain evil. A loner. A socially inept muppet whose best
friends are pigeons. He'd rather read books and plot world conquest than
interact with others. He is in the closet. A homophobe, who is clearly gay,
and living in a possibly incestuous relationship with his brother/friend,
Oscar the Grouch. Well this one is easy, kiddies. Oscar is an angry at the
world vagrant. A bum who probably has several dozen dead hookers under his
Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster is your basic addictive personality. He's a
drug-addict and a manic depressive, whose only outlet for his mania is
'cookies', cookies, clearly being a euphemism for his drug of choice,
probably heroin or crack cocaine. When not gorging himself on 'cookies' he
enters states of pronounced depression and catatonia.
Count von Count. Well...he's a vampire.
Guy Smiley. A faux-television personality with severe self-esteem issues
and intimacy problems. Guy is smiling on the outside so we don't all see him
crying on the inside.
Harry Monster. A clear self-depricating living euphemism for out-of-control
male sexuality. Harry 'doesn't know his own strength'. Has problems being
'tender and caring'. Often destroys that which he loves because he has
over-exerted his vast reservoirs of strength. And his name is 'Harry
Monster' Kids, I got a hairy monster, but it don't belong on TV either.
Baby Bear. Severe intimacy issues ever since the arrival of his little
sister, Curly Bear - who is a schizoid affective bear in her own right - and
is having trouble dealing with no longer being the 'baby'. Often acts out
violently, his anger stemming from his frustration at this situation.
Telly. A monster with severe low-self esteem and confidence issues. Cannot
do anything on his own and is constantly looking to others for
re-assurance. I am pretty sure Grover will kill him at some point before
the end of the series.
Zoe. A selfish, self-effacing personality. Also, a severe klepto-maniac.
Rosita. Mexican born illegal immigrant. Nuff said, Kiddies.
The Big Bad Wolf. Do I really need to go into a diatribe on this one
kiddies? He's the big bad wolf for freakin' chrissakes!!!
As for the live actors, Bob, Maria, Gordon, Luis and Alan, we have a
collection that includes a gay, a black, two hispanics and a gook. I think
that pretty much speaks for itself.
Now don't get me wrong, kiddings. Scummy LOVES multi-culturalism. My last
three hookers were black, white and chinese, in that order. This is not
what makes Sesame Street bad, it's what makes it GREAT.
Which brings me to Elmo. That little piece o' shit red fluff ball is
pristine. He's got nothing wrong with him. Not one good god-damned thing!
Elmo is Sesame Street's own little red furry Jesus. He wanders from place to
place, showing how pristine he is, how sinless, how he's got nothing wrong,
and is the happiest little shitbag in the whole world. And this is just not
right. Kids need to see the dark side of humanity and puppetity. But Elmo
deludes kids into believing they can be perfect. I hate him kiddies. I
hate him so very much!
So clearly, we need to have Elmo destroyed. Maybe we can start a trash-can
fire in Oscar's home and throw Elmo in? Whaddya say kiddies are ya with
me? Ahh...what can I say? Kiddies, all I know in this crazy mixed up
world, is that we all gots problems...except Elmo. And that, my friends, is
And now, yer ol' pal Scum is so very very tired. He needs about 6 quaaludes
and a cocaine enema.
Until next time, ya know what I say....make mine a double!