The 2005 Clowntown Clown-Off

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The Road To The Big Top

64 Clowns match-up in a round robin tournament to determine the biggest bozo of all time


In celebration of five years of existence Clowntown's Biggest Bozo Clown-Off Tournament has come to a close. The winner is none other than France, defeating Michael Jackson in the finals. Congratulations French, you have won again! First you won entrance to the Hall of Clowns, then you won Clown of the Year, now you are deemed the the clowniest of all. Tres Bon!

Final Bracket


The Final Four Have Been Chosen!

Two upsets, two hotly contested matchups and one blow-out. France upsets Bill Clinton. But is it really an upset when France is deemed a bigger clown than... well anyone or anything? Nic Cage (The King of All Clowns) and his Clown Colleague John Travolta were in the fight for their floppy shoes, but only one managed to make it to the Final Four. Barbarino was ousted by The REVerend Jesse Jackson. JJ has been up to his old antics lately and his recent clownage probably vaulted him ahead of the dancing clown, who at least has done a couple good things in his life. Unlike JJ, who has done his cause more harm than good. Nicolage Cage managed to stave off a furious charge by Hillary Clinton. So there will be no rematch of Face/Off in this Bozo Tourney. And finally, Michael Jackson UNANIMOUSLY defeated Dr. Phil. The 14th seeded so-called "doctor" had a great run, but he had no chance against one of the strangest and most bizarre creatures this planet has ever seen. MJ has got to be the favorite to win it all now.

Final Four Matchups:  #11 Jesse Jackson vs. #6 France & #1 Nicolas Cage vs. #1 Michael Jackson

Cool Phil Sounds Off On The Final Four

France vs. The Rev:
The French being French, of course, France cannot help but wallow in its sty, cooling itself in wet, fetid Bozo excrement; thus, France attains its measure of clowndom as a rather amusing form of self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, Jesse and his ilk (Al comes to mind) are responsible for keeping multiple generations of their "constituency" in the cycle of hopelessness borne of perpetual victimhood, effectively downplaying any sense of responsibility for one's own circumstances in favor of vilifying "The Man". Winner: Jackson

 Cage vs. MJ: As briefly discussed above, you have your "kind of funny, kind of sad" clowns, and you have your "holy shit!" clowns ... the latter associated with actual harm to actual folks. While some might argue that France, for example, caused some degree of difficulty by electing not to join us in the fight against the terrorists (and don't even try to tell me Hussein wasn't a terrorist - $25,000 respectively to the families of Palestinian homicide bombers is terrorism in my not-so-humble opinion), I'd counter by proffering that I'd rather be in a foxhole with Wladimir Polackski than Pierre Le Faggette. That said, Nicky simply exhibits an uncanny ability to over-emote in really bad movies, while sweet little Michael demonstrates a marked proclivity for playing with little boys' penises - and gets away with it! How the hell does this freak sleep at night? MJ in a landslide.

So, will it be a Jackson vs. Jackson final? Is this akin to a Subway Series?

Latest Bracket

Heated Discussions On The Final Four

#1 John Travolta vs. #11 Jesse Jackson

#1 Bill Clinton vs. #6 France

#1 Nicolas Cage vs. #2 Hillary Clinton

#1 Michael Jackson vs. #14 Dr. Phil

From Captain Zizzer - Jesse Jackson over Travolta (latest venture supporting TO puts him over the less relevant Vinny Barbarino) France over Bill Clinton (French riots, oil scandal, and Chirac's great leadership reign supreme over actually good press of slick Willy teaming with George HW Bush on Tsunami/Katrina) see attached cartoon. Nick Cage over Hillary (though I'm sorry to say that a random woman on the street told me that I look like Cage and need to get back into the studio to crank out more good movies)

Says Cool Phil - Definitely Jackson - watta maroon! And Travolta's wife has a spectacular rack! See "Mischief" ... See also "Secret Admirer" - 'nuff said. France over Slick Willy - anyone who can change Gloria Steinem's view on such feminist sacred cows as to what constitutes sexual harassment (thereby giving us the "one-grope" rule) must have at least a semblance of a clue. Hillary over Cage - why you pickin' on the star of such gems as "Peggy Sue Got Cheesed", "Cheese/Off", and "Cheese Air"? If the junior senator from NY gets elected in '08, we better brush up on our Arabic, and you ladies had better start getting fitted for burquas. The last one is tough - gotta go with sweet lil Michael.