Clowntown Film Reviews

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  Rating system
0 Clowns: Near perfection, possibly one of the greatest of all time.
5  Slightly enjoyable, fallible film or at least watch-able.
10 Clowns: One of the worst pieces of garbage ever to be put on film.

2004 Clowntown Film Reviews






J Goo



Snakes On A Plane - 0 0 - - 0.00
Pan's Labryinth - 1.5 1 - 1 1.17
Flags of Our Fathers 0 - 1.5 - 2.75 1.42
United 93 - 1 2.25 - 2.25 1.83
The Prestige - - - - 2.5 2.50
Stranger Than Fiction 2 - 3 - - 2.50
Borat - - 2.5 - - 2.50
Letters from Iwo Jima - - - - 2.50 2.50
The Departed 2 4 3 - 3 3.00
Lucky Number Slevin 3 - 3 - - 3.00
Hollywoodland - - 3 - - 3.00
Children of Men 3.5 3 2.5 - 3 3.00
Inside Man 3.5 - 3.5 - 3.5 3.50
Casino Royale - - 4 3 3 3.67
Little Miss Sunshine 2, 3.25 - 6 - 3.5 3.69
Hostel - - - - 3.75 3.75
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - - 3.75 - - 3.75
The Devil Wears Prada 3, 4 - 4.25 - 4.25 3.88
The Queen - 4 4 - - 4.00
World Trade Center 4 - - - 4 4.00
Thank You For Smoking - - - - 4 4.00
Pursuit of Happyness - - 4 - - 4.00
Scoop 4 - 4.75 - 4 4.25
Superman Returns - - 4.75 4 4 4.25
X-Men: The Last Stand - - - 4 5 4.50
The Illusionist - - 4.75 - - 4.75
The Da Vinci Code 3 10 4.75 3.25 3.25 4.85
The Breakup 5 - 5 - 5 5.00
The Omen - - - 5 5 5.00
Slither - 5 - - - 5.00
V For Vendetta - - - - 6 6.00
Cars - - 6 - - 6.00
The Guardian - 6 - - - 6.00
An Inconvenient Truth - - 6 - - 6.00
Evolution: Underworld - - - 6 6 6.00
Half-Nelson - - 6.5 - - 6.50
My Country, My Country - - 7 - - 7.00
Firewall 6 - 8 - 7 7.00
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - - - - 7 7.00
The Good Shepherd - - 7 - - 7.00
16 Blocks - - 7 - - 7.00
You, Me & Dupree 7 - - - 7 7.00
Bobby - - - - 7.5 7.50
Crank - - 7.5 - - 7.50
Click 8, 7 - 9.25 - 7 7.88
Apocalypto - - 8 - - 8.00
Wordplay - - 8 - - 8.00
Mission Impossible III - 10 10 - 4.5 8.17
Benchwarmers - - 8.5 - - 8.50
Lady In The Water 7 - 10 - - 8.50
The Sentinel - - 8.5 - - 8.50
The Night Listener - - 9 - - 9.00
Basic Instink 2 - - - - 9 9.00
Failure To Launch - - 9 - - 9.00
Poseidon - 9.99 10 - 7 9.00
Freedomland 8 - 10 - 9 9.00
Annapolis - - 9.5 - 8.5 9.00
All The King's Men - - 10 - - 10.00


Dammitt Epps - Da Vinci Code, Click, Lady In The Water, Devil Wears Prada, (3) Sunshine (2), Stranger Than Fiction, Slevin
Drooga - The Breakup, Freedomland, Dupree, Sunshine (2), Firewall (6), Children of Men (3.5), Scoop (4), WTC (4), Prada (4)
Captain Z - The Departed
Sonn Dogg: Flags of Our Fathers (0)




Annapolis - Utterly stupid and perhaps ushering in a new Clown star in James Franco. Nic Cage and John Travolta can't take all the Clown roles and soon they'll be dead. This movie was so dimwitted it actually had a fat minority fuck who sneaks in candy bars try to commit suicide, yet only breaking his wrists!! (luckily he doesn't die). And apparently if you're the lead actor in the film you can punch any superior and not get throw out of (dun dun dunnnnnnnnn) ANNAPOLIS!!
9.5 Clowns - many noms for the 2007 CFAs.
Firewall - Walking into the theatre this downstate bitch in front of me in the line gave the poor, young girl behind the counter shit because the theatre is a "cash-only" movie theatre. This idiot wanted to pay $22 for the tickets with her credit card, mind you she had (after a quick glance) about $200 - $300 stuffed in her Coach bag. When she was done complaining she laughed and stated, "I'm sorry, I just can't beleive you're a cash-only theatre. Who ever heard of such a thing?"
Then her husband, Mark Gastineau, walked in with his tighter than tight blue jeans, three-day beard and his jacket that spelled out in big, bold letter "ITALIAN". Thanks for the tip, Marco. I had no idea.
Then the bitch says to her walking lasagna, "They're a cash-only theatre. Can you believe that?" Beating the point to death, she laughed some more and repeated, "Cash only theatre!" He gave some guttaral response that went unnoted.
The girl behind the counter just laughed as they walked away and I then "complained" about having to pay cash for my ticket. To her credit she realized they were just moronic humans and said, "I just shrug and forget them." I couldn't, people like that made me take a shovel to the stock room and destroy merchandise and lightbulbs.
Of course, what was the most annoying aspect of her complaint? "Cash-only movie theatre." Why did she use that term over and over again? Not once did she say the words "credit-card." She went on to spend $30 in snacks and her stupid daughter spilled popcorn all over the place.
And Harrison Ford beat up on bad guys and stopped their plan to steal $100,000,000 for no stated reason. He took control with his jaw-clenched dialouge: "Let me speak to my wife!".
Harrison, you should speak to a scientist to see if they can reverse your robot-transplant that Hollywood now uses for evil to drop you in the middle of the most moronic and "been there" movies. Seriously, how many times must we be forced to care about the older daughter and younger son-with-a-medical-malady combo as the bad guys tie-em-up and gag-em-up? Just fucking kill them already and be done with it.
8 Clowns

The Sentinel

I guess if you're Hollywood you can make a movie about trying to kill the President and not explain why if:

1. Your villain (although hardly seen) is a smarmy, rich European with fancy glasses


2. He has ties to Eastern European goons who hail from a real (or possibly fictitious) balkanized Soviet state


3. He has blackmailed an ancillary character who happens to be very important within the Secret Service.

This mix makes you exempt from giving the viewer a plot, because, hey, it's some smarmy Brit with former Soviet goons! And, hey, they've got the goods on that Secret Service guy! That works.  Hmm. Michael Douglas looked out of his league half the movie (and who can blame him? Wasn't he once the President of these United States who wouldn't play to the dirty tactics of the EVIL Republicans in An American President? And now he's a lowly Secret Serviceman?).

However, the idiot screenwriters unwittingly arrived at an ingenious plot point had they had the vision and/or balls to use it and make Mike's character (I think named Jack Superman) the actual bad guy/mole/assassin. Had they used the plot they set up this movie would be 2 Clowns - regardless of awful holes. But they didn't. This movie played like a bad mix of CSI: DC, The Fugitive, In The Line of Fire, and a pile of shit.

Other points:

Kiefer Sutherland's character could have been interesting, but they didn't let us know him very much.

Kim Basinger has the range of a dead rock.

Many of the third-level Secret Service actors went to the A-Team School of Death Scenes: gasp, "Uhhh!", raise arms, strike your POSE....and fall.

There were about as many people at this movie as there were at Mission Impossible: III

There was no real attempt to give us an idea of what the plot of the movie was until about 45 minutes in.

8.5 Clowns

Mission Impossible III

Review by Ghimraab:
"You've got to be kidding me"
The best line of the movie. Cruise can make a pefect replica mask of another mans face in 30 seconds, the IMF can ID people 100 yards away through brick walls with a Vascular ID, but the whole fuckin IMF building can have its communication paralyzed by Cruise simply holding down a button on a two way radio? How Cruise who is a rogue agent (again?? MI I?) can get out of the IMF building is another question, as is how is rogue team can go to China, how some IMF director can order the attack of a US bridge with planes and helicopters and missles and no one questions it, but there are so many questions to ask that it becomes pointless. The real question is why Hollywood thinks that this crap actually entertains people anymore. We have seen it before, heard all the noise before, and its just painful. Cruise wanted his child born in silence, and yet he makes this ball of crap and noise- no wonder. 
easily 10 Clowns.

Review by XAVIER!:
Awful all the way. These ubiquitous "action" scenes are so boring. Don't they get it? Also, you can't get cell service in downtown Shanghai yet when Cruise is running in full (laughable) speed in the slums he can get full service? (not to mention be able to carry on a conversation while running - it's hard to do on a phone)
More unknown English bad dudes cohorting to kill the world. Old.
Cruise's movie wife sure looked like his real world wife. Tom, we get it. You love your wife. Or do you? You 8 x 10 glossy. You can try and convince the world you're not a Clown, but the more you try the easier it is to see....
You are Clown. You are 10 Clowns. You are Top Clown.




Inconvenient Truth
I pull into the mall's parking lot and get out of my car. I see this "man", wearing a straw hat and dirty, filthy flip-flops running towards the mall with a serious, stern look on his face. He appeared as though he may puke and time was of the essence.
( Side note: Doesn't he know that wearing flip-flops can cause foot/ankle problems and lead to less success at your job place? Where's the documentary on that?)
I check my cellphone and see it's 4:38. The showing of Al Gore's documentary starts at 4:40. Obviously, this thing is her for one reason and he is in a hurry to see this film. Now, when I purchase my ticket I wonder if it's appropriate to eat popcorn and drink a Dr. Pepper. Considering I did so as Christ got flogged in slow-mo, I can do the same as Planet Earth implodes. I felt the urge to be utterly wasteful and buy disgusting amounts of candy and the like, but that would be too much work.
I enter the theatre and I see my flip-flop friend and his scratchy, UCCCA face in the back row. Interesting to note, despite his hurries, he still had time for tasty snacks himself. He's already made himself comfortable: He lost his toe thongs and plopped his disgusting bare feet on the seat in front of him. How considerate.
There are also other predictable types in attendance ready to listen intently and nod their heads at the appropriate times. There's also the shockingly laughable, yet predictable behavior of these types. Talking out loud during the film, entering the film 20 minutes late and such: basically selfish behavior with no thoughts or cares about the others that are trying to watch the film. Now, of course, this generally does not matter - they're all the same, so they don't notice. Little did they know or would ever even recognize that someone of a more respectful ilk invaded their "Earth is dying" pity-party.
Of all of the annoying morons in the theatre, flip-flop boy was the most predictable and most annoying. However, half the reason to go to these movies is to see these idiots in action, so in a warped way I want them to be rude and uncaring. He shouts "no!" and "Mr. Bush doesn't care about this?" when the numbers are revealed about temperatures and CO2 levels. He even had a "no...No....NO!!!!". You can't make this stuff up.
As far as the movie....
Damning evidence combined with a lot of convincing, emperical evidence. The studies are sometimes shocking and many of the photos back-up what Al Gore says. And Gore is alive, passionate and sometimes fun. This Al Gore would have won the election.  However, he is still so bitter. He calls himself at one point the "former next president of the United States". He also takes a few other weak and incredibly lame (even Jay Leno wouldn't stoop so low) cracks at W and his adminstration. Throw in the personal portraits of his past (son's injury, sister dying from the very product his family sould - tabacka) added with up-close shots of Al Gore pondering and thinking , this documentary comes off a little to preoccupied with itself. Kind of like it's a campaign advertisement!

Truly Gore has a pssionate belief about this issue. This, I do not doubt. And he and his evidence may be right. However, he states that there are no scientists who disagree with Global Warming and the origin of Global Warming (you, me and Billy Jo DuPree).  He based this on a study of 938 articles published, I imagine, in science magazines and journals. The same study states that only those in the media account for the desenters (not specifically stated, but I imagine Rush, Novak, etc).
Now, I find this hard to believe and he also didn't say what sources were used for this study. How broad was it? Did they target scientists with a political angle? Regardless, the film could hold more weight if it had some sort of rebuttal. Apparently, no one disagrees and if you do - you're stupid and baseless in your dissent. (Then you'll get a job in the current administration's cabinet. Yuk, yuk, yuk.) Cue canned laughter from flip-flop boy!

He also poo-poo's the economical factors as merely trivial. It's gold vs. the planet, duh! Which are you going to choose? Obviously, you must side with the planet, but Al Gore doesn't really figure economical choices into the equation as much as he should. A clean planet is great, but we're not going to be hunter/gatherers, either.
Gore also gives science and technology a pat on the back for the ability to solve said problems, which I have every bit of confidence they will. If they don't, well Al Gore and Roland Emmerich will be 21st century heroes.
And like Jack Hall we'll unpack the snowshoes and walk  from here.
6 Clowns (-1 Clowns for the UCCCA spillover enjoyment)


Very solid, potential Oscar-type film. Not sure why Affleck is being considered for lead. Worthy of Oscar nom, but should be the Supporting. His sad, pathetic "I've turned into a Clown look" that he gave to Reeves was very convincing - I wonder why? Perfect role for Ben. Maybe he'll realize that's he's a number 2 or 3 guy in the rotation. He's not a stopper. He's Ron Darling, not Doc Gooden.
3 Clowns