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Part One: 

(Read Part Two Now)


Front Runners 

The Departed -  Clowntown has a history of long, sweeping epics winning this prestigious award, yet there are no nominated films that fit this mold. But, there is another tradition among the previous Best Picture award: Money. The first four winners all cracked the Top 5 of highest grossing films within their respective years (Gladiator and LOTR films) and the last two winners were still within the Top 50 (40, 42). The lowst grossing Best Picture film was Cinderella Man at 61 million. So, it would be quite a surprise if Children of Men, Pan’s Labrynth, or United 93 won as their collective gross is 85 million. The Departed brought in 128 million; it’s got mobsters, micks, and Jack. It was also a highly entertaining film constructed by one of best filmmakers over the last 30 years. This type of pedigree makes it the favorite. Odds: 1.5-1

Borat – A hilarious put-on by chameleon Sacha Baron-Cohen. Mocking the blind and oblivious, Cohen used the ignorance of the unsuspecting characters to expose weaknesses that plague our society. Not that we didn’t know that such stupidity existed, it was just wonderful to watch these 8x10 glossies wallow in their own environments. Naked wrestling aside, one of the greatest comedies ever. Odds: 4-1


The Dark Horse –  

Pan’s Labyrinth –

 La mejor película del año (con apologías a las serpientes maravillosamente debajo apreciadas en un plano). Una historia de la fantasía intertwined con un diagrama maravilloso del tiempo de guerra, él pidió la pregunta: ¿Por qué no pueden más películas ser como ésta? Puede ser difícil sacar un triunfo: los subtítulos, el lanzamiento limitado, y es carácter principal es una hembra (Clowntown nunca ha visto que una película con ella es carácter principal al punto de ebullición femenino del triunfo) - pero es un favorito entre el boyzzzzz de la moleta. ¡Holler!

 {The best movie of the year (with apologies to the wonderfully under appreciated Snakes On A Plane). A fantasy story intertwined with a wonderful war-time plot, it begged the question: Why can’t more movies be like this one? It may be difficult to pull out a win: subtitles, limited release, and it’s main character is a female (Clowntown has never seen a movie with it’s main character a female win BP) – but it’s a favorite amongst the Muller boyzzzzz. Holla! }

Odds: 10-1



United 93– Revisiting 9/11 isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time at the theatres, and in fact, many believe it’s too early for such “entertainment”. Moving and inspiring, it showed how “ordinary” people can become heroes. ODDS 15-1

 Children Of Men – A dark look at the near future. How would the world react if they knew that the human race would end in 50 years. This Orwellian film may not resonate with all viewers and it’s 9:15pm only showing really pisses off people named Joe who happend to like sleepy time around 9:45 so he can get up the next morning really early and spend more time in his cliché gray cubicle. (Long live the run-on sentences!) Odds: 33-1


Left Out of the Race 

Snakes On A Plane – Hollywood would not agree, but no other movie did what it set out to do better than SOAP and that was to mock the crap that comes ouf of Hollywood

 Letters From Iwo Jima – Hey Clint, you might want to decide a little earlier in the year if you want Clowntown exposure or not. These late releases kill your chances. 

Little Children – Little late?  

The Queen – Sorry, we don’t nominate films that should air right after the Oprah Winfrey show. 

Little Miss Sunshine – Yeah, yeah, everyone loves this film about the quirky family that has over-the-top problems, but comes together at the end. Well, everyone but me. You gone! 

Dreamgirls – Yeah right. 

Babel – More like babble.  

Crash – Still sucks. How did this win an Oscar?



Front Runners 

Martin Scorcese – The Departed – Well, see above. Scorcese is 0-1 vs Clint, however, in this category over the years. Odds 3-1

 Clint Eastwood – Letters From Iwo Jima – The fact the he was nominated, but his film wasn’t speaks volumes about the man. If we projected the Clowntown awards going back to 1980, Clint has won three Best Director awards. Odds: 4-1


Dark Horse 

David R. Ellis – Snakes On A Plane – Was the script intentionally bad or did the producers smell a winner? Regardless, Ellis was able to form this classic piece of intentional cheese. Odds 8-1


Bringing Up The Rear -  

Guillermo Del Toro – Pan’s Labyrinth – Directed arguably the best movie of the year, but he’s against two heavyweights. Odds – 15-1 

Alfonso Cuaron – Children Of Men - Are we in the directors, or the sleeper rookies from Winter ball? Odds: 44-1


Best Actor –

 Front Runners

 Sacha Baren Cohen – Borat - A performance worthy of Peter Sellers. Cohen’s ability to stay in character and play off the utter stupidity of the non-actors wins it. Odds: 2-1 

Samuel L. Jackson – Snakes On A Plane  If “I’m sick of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane” didn’t do it for you, then “Let’s get these people some air” did. Odds: 4-1


The Dark Horse

Leonardo DiCaprio – The Departed – While he was very good, there were also many other performances that were very good in this movie, so he may be overlooked. Also, his star power has not equated to success in the Clowntown awards, 0-2 so far. Grab some pine! He gone! Odds: 10-1

No Chance - 

Wyll Smyth – Pursuit of Happyness – A fine performance in a forgettable film, unless of course you shared a hanky with Oprah. Cry for me baby, cry! Odds: 22-1 

Clive Owen – Underrated actor in an underrated film. Odds: 41-1


Best Actress 

Front Runner 

Helen Mirren – The Queen – I’m in the minority that thinks playing the Queen of England is a piece of cake. Stuffy, but misunderstood. Please, it’s like grooving a fastball to Cal Ripken in the All-Star game. But she was good and she’s getting plenty of press, so it can only help considering that most leading roles for women are either strippers or prostitutes AND most of the films that headline female leads stink. Odds: 3-1

Meryl Streep – The Devil Does Something or Other - Along those lines, since most of those movies stink we fall back to star power. Streep has it and this movie also came out late Summer, early Fall so there’s a chance people actually may have seen the movie. Voters tend to award movies they’ve seen, rather than guessing on ones the haven’t. Or do they? Or does anyone really care about this category? Odds: 3-1

Middle of the Pack

 Ivana Baquero – Bread In The Cave -  Should win. Won’t. Nobody cares. Odds: 8-1

 Where Are Day?

Claire-Hope Ashitey Children of Men – Ashitey? What kind of name is that? A shitty? Odds: 84-1

Kate Winslet – Little Children – Isn’t she always nominated? Fred: “We need another best lead female.” Joe: “Was Winslet in something this year?” Fred: “Yeah, The Polonia Project.” Joe: “Good enough.” Odds: 88-1


Best Supporting Actor  

Please Act and Act Well, but Not Too Much  

Jack Nicholson – The Departed – Jack’s never won. My guess is Clowntown awards him before: He gone! Odds: 1.5-1

Matt Damon – The Departed – His first nomination; he was snubbed for his supporting role in Team America: World Police. Matt Day-mon! Odds: 3-1 

You Did A Pretty Good Job In Your Insignificant Role - 

Michael Cain Children Of Men – Certainly deserved the nomination as he asked the age old question right before, well, you know: He gone!! Odds: 9-1 


We Could Have Cut This Scene, but We Paid You Too Much To Justify: 

Adam Beach – Flags Of Our Fathers – Played a great drunkie who lost his battle with alcoholism. Hmmm. Grab some dust – He Gone! Odds: 41-1 

Jose Lind – Pittsburgh Pirates – Great job jumping over those compact cars. Odds: 5002 - 1


Best Supporting Actress 

You Will Be Groomed To Play a Stripper or Prostitute Someday-  

Abigail Breslin – Little Miss Sunshine – She’ll win for a supposed snub in the Best Picture category. Plus all the other nominees sucked. Odds: 2-5 

Have You Played A Stripper or Prostitute Yet? 

Diane Lane – Hollywoodland – Odds are I’m the only one who saw this sleeper. Four people were in the audience, two of them left at half-time. But Lane is sort of popular, right? Odds: 8-1 

Emma Thompson – Perfect Strangers - Hick #1 “She’s a good actress.” Hick #2 “Oughta be – she’s Ed Thompson’s son!” Get out of the city! Odds: 10-1

Go Bake a Cake, Eat It and Then Vomit  So You Can Stay Skinny For Your Future Role As A Slut –

Shareeka Epps – Half Nelson - Michelle’s sister has been pretty snooty since her nomination. Don’t vote for her. Odds: 22-1

Pita Del Perro – The Bread Of Life – Que pasa! Odds: 45-1


Best Original Screenplay


Guillermo Del Toro – Pan’s Labyrinth – Excellent script that allowed this simpleton to follow along at multiple times without relying on the subtitles. Mmmmm…subssss. Odds: 2-1

Michael Arndt – Little Miss Sunshine – Stick in a yellow van and a dirty old man and apparently you have a good script. Odds: 4-1 

The Man Who Wasn’t There -

Paul Greengrass – United 93 – Not really allowed to try and crack a joke here. Odds: 8-1

Zack Helm - Stranger Than Fiction – That’s odds: 8-1


Miller’s Crossing -

Mr. Roboto and Paul Haggis - Letters From Iwo Jima – DO NOT VOTE FOR THE COMMUNIST. STYX WILL FORGIVE YOU. ODDS: COMMIE – 1 


Best Adapted Screenplay



William Monahan – The Departed – A fine job ripping off another movie, Internal Affairs. Odds: 2-1

Sacha Baren Cohen, et al – Borat  - Odd as how this was nominated when most of the film was improvised. Odds: 4-1


NY State Lottery 

Todd Field – Little Children – May get spillover from his big hit….what was the name of that film? Odds: 10-1


Loose Change–  

Lots of Peeps – Children Of Men – Maybe the best script of the year, but no chance. Odds: 22-1 

Jason Reitman –Thank You For Smoking – Thank you for trying. Odds: 222,342-1


Predictions for the rest 

Best Score – The Da Vinci Code (Big bustazoid!) 

Music Compilation – Borat. High five! 

Cinematography – Letters From Iwo Jima. They gone! 

Art Direction – Apocolypto. Dee, dah…(the music was gay)  

Makeup – Snakes On A Plane, mother fucker! 

Costume – The Devil Wears Prada 

Visual Effects – Snakes On A Plane, biotch! 

Sound – United 93. 

Casting – United 93. 

Film Editing – The Departed (X marks the spot – pretty cool)



 Clownies Up Next!