Despite the fact that you could fill John Travolta’s forehead with all of the Clown movies from 2007, it also produced many fine films worthy of praise. This year’s Best Picture race is as wide open as ever, but one thing is for sure: history will be made with this year’s winner.
Juno - Clowntown has a history of rewarding long, sweeping epics, but Clowntown is more interested in the Green Devil: cash. Mo’ money, mo’ awards. Juno grossed more than $109,000,000 so far and it’s still rolling. Its nearest competitor sits at $59,000,000 (No Country). Now, just the finances alone won’t produce the winner, but history shows it’s a great prognosticator. Why? Obviously, more people have seen the film, which helps the film’s odds. Now, you add in that the other films have grossed much less, which means it’s more likely that voters haven’t seen these films. Now, I know this ain’t rocket science, but we’re looking for angles here. The one thing Juno has against it is the female lead. Clowntown has never awarded a movie with a female lead as Best Picture. But hey, this is 2008 where Hillary cries and she wins. Well, Juno cried and she’ll make history with a big Clowntown win. Odds: 2-1
No Country For Old Men – Despite the dark undertones of the film, it isn’t nearly as dark as one of its “competitors”. The Coen Brothers tag helps with brand awareness and can draw votes from people who think they’re deserving of a win. Arguably their best film, the Coen’s knocked this one out with a great script that shied away from their recent silliness (Intolerable Cruelty, The Ladykillers). The script was taut, direction poignant, acting spot-on. If it wins, it will be the lowest grossing Best Picture in Clowntown history. Top contender. Odds 3-1
The Dark Horse –
There Will Be Blood - Paul Thomas Anderson’s tour de force about a man that wants to crush his competition and longs to be alone can not be dismissed. Bringing in a paltry $27,000,000 so far doesn’t help, but it is the type of film that can galvanize enough voters to put it over the top. A film for the ages, it could drain the life out of the others. Drainage!Odds 6-1
SO SORRY!! –
Zodiac – David Fincher makes good movies. Plain and simple. Unfortunately, this gem was buried (for some reason) in the doldrums of later Winter ’07. The Oscars may have forgotten this splendid thriller revolving around the California serial killer, but Clowntown has not. Congrats to us for rewarding a great movie deserving of the accolades. If not for the late entrees of No Country and/or Blood, it could have found momentum. Odds 18-1
Atonement – How this lazy fraud moved into the Best Picture category is beyond me. Certainly the weakest entry of the five and if anyone considered voting for this junk, they’d probably think better of it and vote for Juno. A shame that other great movies like Ratatouille, American Gangster, Knocked Up, 3:10 To Yuma, and others got bumped for the fluff piece. Odds: 42-1
Left Out of the Race –
Knocked Up – If Clowntown really wants to differentiate itself it must start nominating the films that are most truly rewarding. Knocked Up should have found it’s way in the Top Five.
Michael Clayton – George Clooney can’t woo us with his witchcraft voodoo as he does with Hollywood.
American Gangster – Not sure why this movie couldn’t get over the hump. Maybe because Denzel played the lead a little too Denzel?
3:10 To Yuma – If not for the ending, it could have been a contender.
Into The Wild – Into the theatres, so we may see yee!
Ratatouille – Arguably the best movie of the year.
Crash – Again, can someone explain how the fuck this movie won an Oscar? “You’re racist!” “ Wait, so are you!”
Coen Brothers – No Country For Old Men – This is where they’ll get their due. The only comedy to win Best Picture was Sideways in 2005. The only year that Best Director came from a film that did not win Best Picture? 2005. (It also helps that Jason Reitman was shut out for direction) Regardless, it will happen again as the Coen boys will be rewarded for O Brother, Fargo, and others. Odds: 2-1.
Paul Thomas Anderson – There Will Be Blood – The only way the Coens lose is if Blood wins BP. And if that happens PTA will be a runaway. He was jobbed in ’03 against Peter Jackson’s weakest Lord of The Ring’s entry, but he’s still got some work ahead. Odds: 3.5-1
Dark Horse –
Ben Affleck – Gone Baby, Gone – Say what you will about Hall-of-Clowner Ben Affleck – the man knows people. His script for Good Will Hunting captured “real” people, his performance in Hollywoodland tapped into the psyche of a lost soul, and his direction here dropped us in the center of people we all know but don’t want to know. No movie brought more authenticity than Gone, Baby Gone. Prediction: Affleck will become more famous for his direction than his previous J-Lo antics. Odds: 7-1
Bringing Up The Rear –
Ridley Scott – American Gangster – Just not sure where Scott went wrong, but there was something missing in AG to put it over the top. Still another great movie by Mr. Scott, who won in this category for Gladiator back in 2001. Odds: 15-1
James Mangold – 3:10 To Yuma – No real shot here. In fact, my guess is Judd Apatow of Knocked Up would have a much better chance of winning. Mangold has won before for Screenplay back in ’06. Rest on those laurels, pal. 30-1
Best Actor –
The Winner –
Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood - Critics argue he was too much of John Huston. Welcome to two-thousand and mother-fucking eight people. Huston is about as recognizable as Rodinia. It’s like saying Tiger Woods is too much like Bobby Jones. It’s a stupid criticism. Some say he was too similar to Bill The Butcher in Gangs of New York. Major difference was Bill the Butcher was indifferent to people. They were obstacles in his way. While Daniel Plainview hates all people. PTA wrote Punch-Drunk Love for Adam Sandler. My guess is he wrote Blood for Lewis. No way he loses. Odds: 1-20
The Dark Horse –
Jake Gyllenhall – Zodiac – An underrated actor that kept this thriller moving forward. Name recognition could help. Odds: 18-1
Everyone Else –
Josh Brolin – No Country For Old Men – Sort of a Daniel Day-Lewis light. Both had mustaches and tried to take money that wasn’t theirs. Odds: 33-1
Chris Cooper – Breach – Delved into the demon spy. Buried in the doldrums of February releases, but still one of the best performances of the year. Odds: 50-1
Viggo Mortensen – Eastern Promises – Un, Viggo, did you have to get plum naked? Next time, stick with the clothes. Odds: 75-1
Front Runner –
Ellen Page – Juno – Almost as much of a lock in this category as Daniel Day-Lewis. No other female actress has real name power and the success of the film will propel Page to the win. Also, Clowntown has no problem voting for no-names here. See last year’s winner. Odds: 1-2
Keira Knightley – Atonement - Heh, drafting just like date Dale Earnhardt. Da Intimidator. He gawn!
Keri Russell – Waitress – Best pie shop in America. She should win because she served pies and other food stuffs. She should lose because she wanted to leave her no-good husband. Bad girl. Odds: 15-1
Laura Linney – The Savages – I loved the part where she and the other savages decapitated the cable guy. Odds: 20 -1
Marion Cotillard – Le Vie En Rose - Cette putain sourde-muette n'a aucun espoir du gain. Anyone for some bocce? Odds: 55-1
Best Supporting Actor
Well Done Lad – Now Get Off The Screen –
Javier Bardem – No Country For Old Men – Still not sure how exactly he’s a Supporting Actor, but he’s a slam dunk. Possessed and creepy friendo. Odds: 1-15
Your Insignificant Role Registered To Some Degree –
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson’s War – His best supporting role will forever be “The Mattress Man”, but Hoffman really stole the show in this one. Even though he grew facial hair for the role, he still has no shot. Odds: 33-1
Wait, I Don’t Remember Your Part –
Timothy Dalton – Hot Fuzz – Dalton was hilarious, his best work to date. Odds: 74.12 – 1
Casey Afleck – The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford With Additional Support From Jesse Himself – Has more acting chops than his bro, yo – Odds: 75.523 -1
We Could Have Cut This Scene, but We Paid You Too Much To Justify:
Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton – The only nod from this movie. Top candidate for O Movie ’08. Odds: 99-1
Stan – Popcorn guy at Spectrum – He doled out some tasty snacks – good work. Odds: 20000-1
Best Supporting Actress –
Best Background Fodder-
Erin Muller –Reno: 911 – No extra ever walked behind a lead or supporting actor better than Erin. Rumor has it her best work hit the cutting room floor. Yep, you and Rick Toscanose. Odds: 2-1
Jennifer Garner – Juno – Again, the more commercial films land a better shot of producing winners. No shit moron, you stupid mother fucker. This fucking sucks, why don’t you just stop? Odds: 3-1
Some Day You’ll Win An Award For Playing a Street Ho, Yo –
Crossiant Breakfast Sandwich – Atonement – Very proper with cheese, please. Odds: 6-1
Please Don’t Play A Street Ho, Yo –
Ruby Dee – American Gangster – She slapped Denzel like he was a no good bitch. I love her work with the American Top 40. Odds: 14-1
You Played a Street Ho, Yo –
Amy Ryan – Going, Going, Gone - Ah, yes, the annual stripper/prostitute/selling yo ass for street drugs entry. Good work! Odds: 14-1
Best Original Screenplay –
Diablo Cody – Juno – With a name like that no wonder you became a stripper. Odds: 1-2
Judd Apatow – Knocked Up – Nearly blanked in Crownies and a damn shame. Odds: 2-1
Steven Zillian – American Gangster – Bang, bang. Drugs. You dead and you go to jail. Odds: 6-1
Wilford Brimley, Diabetes and Me –
Scott Frank – The Lookout – This should be Ratatouille, but hey this wasn’t a bad little flick. Odds: hgp
Frank and Beans – Hot Fuzz – One the best comedies of the year written by food! Odds: 22-1
Best Adapted Screenplay –
Ethan and Joel Coen – No Country For Old Men – Books? Do people still read? Well, I generally read books written by or about dead people, but I may give this one a gander. Odds: 2-1
Paul Thomas Anderson – There Will Be Blood– Apparently loosely based on the Upton Sinclair book, Oil!, I doubt he speaks of milkshakes. DRAINAGE!Odds: 3-1
NY State Lottery –
James Vanderbilt – Zodiac – Has come a long way from Dawson’s Creek. Odds: 8-1
Aaron Stockard and Ben Affleck – Gone Baby, Gone – I don’t know. Odds: 22-1
Predictions for the rest –
Best Score – There Will Be Blood – There will be bizarre music.
Music Compilation – Superbad – Super good.
Cinematography – No Country For Old Me- But there is room for a view – to a kill!
Art Direction – 300 – The Ed Thompson story.
Makeup – There Will Be Blood – Awl, I sad awl.
Costume – Atonement – Who the fuck cares, bring on the Clownies!
Visual Effects – 300- Altough the burning derrick in Blood is as good as it gets.
Sound – 3:10 To Yuma – Clownies,clownies!
Casting – Knocked Up – A toast to you.
Film Editing – Transformers – Turning into Clown.
John Travolta dresses up as a fat chick, co-stars in a musical and it barely registers a note. That must mean one things: Nicolas Cage had a Clowntastic year…
Michael Jackson’s Soul –
Ghost Rider – Nic Cage + comic book no one’s ever heard of + CGI abs + down home country talk + demonic bad guys + carnival + FLAMING skull = CLOWN Odds: 2-1
Next – Probably the worst of the Nicolas Cage Thrillogy in 2008. Yet, my guess is most people could see about 94 minutes into the future and realized that this was a total piece of shit and decided to see something else. But, you can never underestimate the power of cheese. Odds: 3-1
Michael Jackson’s Financial Portfolio –
Lions For Lambs – This obnoxious liberal filth was even dismissed by Hollywood, so how good could actually be? These smug bastards could use Cage against himself and produce the upset. Odds: 6-1
Norbit – Who actually finds this shit entertaining? How was this movie ever made? Why does Murphy think it’s funny? Geraldo, stop what you’re doing and find the answers to these questions. At least Cage makes “bad” fun to watch, this, this is just ugly. Odds: 6-1
Michael Jackson’s Doodle Book –
Wild Hogs – In a normal year this garbage would be a front runner, but you’re going to have work harder than that John! Odds: 15-1
The-Ex – Zach Braff is a one-trick pony and that trick doesn’t work on the big screen. Get back to 23 minutes of fluff and leave the Clownies to the above mentioned pros. Odds: 77-1
The Oneonta Bum’s Slightly Infected Yet Oozing Sore –
Ghost Rider – Did I mention that Nic Cage had CGI abs and a flaming skull? Yeah, it doesn’t get much Clownier than that. Odds: 2-1
National Treasure: Book of Secrets – The only way that this movie could have been more over-the-top is if the treasure protectors escaped Mount Rushmore via a George Washington sneeze. Look for National Treasure: The Search For Benjamin Franklin’s Ball Sack coming to a theatre near you! Odds: 2-1
The Oneonta Bum’s Fingernails That Have Picked At Said Sore –
Next – Supernova Clown swallowed the screen and before you can comprehend what happened, you finally understand what it means to be Clown. (Usage of italics when handing in fluff pieces to previously stoned and most likely currently stoned Hartwick professors is shown to increase one’s grade from a D- to A+ 100% of the time.) Odds: 7-1
Reno: 911- This movie brings up the great debate: what is the difference between Clown and Worst Picture? Because this movie looked like it was filmed by Betty and Arnold Mattice of Laurens, NY down in Neawha Park. But at the end of the day, do we really care unless it stars Nic Cage or John Travolta? Odds: 9.11 -1
The Smeared Residue from the Oneonta Bum’s Oozing Sore on the Bathroom Wall –
Perfect Stranger – If you hate yourself and have 90 minutes to spare – take in this “thriller”. What a piece of shit! Bruce Willis is trying to complete the triumvirate of Clown. Odds: 33-1
Pirates Of The Movie Theatre: The Search For More Suckers – Johnny Depp, blah, blah, blah, limp wrist, blah, blah, blah, crazy antics, blah, blah, blah, Clown. Odds: 66-1
WORST DIRECTOR –
FACE/OFF II: The Search For The Missing Magna Boots – starring Nic Cage, John Travolta, and Rosie O’Donnell as “Puss n’ Magnaboots”
Mark Stephen Johnson – Ghost Rider - Anytime you light up Nicolas Cage’s head on fire and have him turn into a flaming skull superhero you are the worst director in the world. I don’t give a damn what the script says, you have to do something else. (Oh, wait? You’re the same guy who wrote the script? – Clown!” Odds: 2-1
Robert Redford – Lions For Lambs – Yes this Red Commie certainly deserves this nomination. Odds: 3-1
Con-Air II – Prisoners In Space vs. Pluto Nash II – Moon Jumper – starring Nic Cage, Tom Cruise, Eddie Murphy and Gary Coleman as “Moon Nash”.
Lee Tamahori – Next – More great work from the man who gave us xXx: State Of The Union. Odds: 6-1
Paul Greengrass – The Bourne Ultimatum - Not much to be proud of here. Still can’t figure how one can hold onto an unbuckled seatbelt and escape with just an A-Team blood trickle. Odds: 10-1
Snow Cops VII – Avalanche! - starring Whoopi Goldberg, Robin Williams, and Steve Guttenberg as “Captain Ashton Steele”.
Eli Roth – Hostel II – Hopefully this horror-porn phase is almost over. Odds: 30-1
James Foley – Perfect Stranger – An odd choice to leave out Balkie Bartokumus, but leaving in Giovanni Ribisi was a worse choice. When will these guys get it that he is a shitty actor? One thing is sure, at some point Mr. Foley realized that he was in a middle of a clunker and there was no way out. Luckily that moment was captured on film:
2007 New York Mets Collapse –
Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider – Cage showed off once again his inability to emote and his reluctance to become the character. True, it must be difficult to become a superhero whose skull turns into flames, but does he have to play every character with that annoying voice? His worst work here: when his head catches fire for the very first time. Cagetastic! Odds: 1-2
Nicolas Cage – Next – Luckily Cage produced this film, too. That’s the only way he could get Jessica Biel to come on board to play his love interest. Yeah, because women like Jessica Biel can’t wait to get with dim-witted, balding, magicians. Odds: 2-1
2007 New England Patriots Super Bowl Fiasco –
Nicolas Cage – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets – Overhead comment made by Cage to his agent: “I YELL every other WORD! I’m not SURE why I DO this, but I think it’s called ACTING! Get JESSICA Biel on the PHONE, I need to offer her more MONEY to be in my NEXT film!” Odds: 5-1
Eddie Murphy – Norbit – First off, Norbit? Why would you play this character? And then you dress up as a fat woman in the same movie and you become your own on-screen love interest with the Norbit? Creepy. Eddie could win if Nic splits the votes. Odds: 5-1
1986 Oneonta Little League Eagles –
Robert Redford – Lions For Lambs – This smug bastard is no match for Tri-Cage. Odds: 10-1
John Travolta – Wild Hogs – The three-time winner in this category was simply out-matched in 2007. Hopefully, you will try and out-Clown Cage in ’08. Odds: 12-1
WORST ACTRESS –
J-Lo in Enough –
Diane Keaton – Because I Said So – Pantsuit. Odds: 3-1
Lindsay Lohan – I Know Who Killed Me – Yes, it’s yourself. You’ve successfully killed your career. Congrats! Odds: 4-1
Jodie Foster In Flight Plan –
Jane Fonda – Georgia Rule – I doubt anyone voting actually saw this movie, but Hanoi Jane gets lots of love. Odds: 8-1
Sandra Bullock – Premonition – I’m getting a premonition…your movie sucks! Odds: 10-1
Robin Williams In Birdcage –
Diane Kruger – Nationl Treasure: Book Of Secrets – Here’s a secret – you blow Cage chunks. Odds: 19-1
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR –
Hold Your Heart and Bite Your Ear –
Jon Voight – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets – His work in Anaconda will never be surpassed, but it felt like he wanted to wink. Just once. Odds: 3-1
Ed Harris – National Treasure: Book Of Secrets – Overheard Ed Harris speaking on the telephone to his agent. “No. No, I will not do Book of Secrets. Did you read that piece of shit script—How much? I’ll be there tomorrow.” From there Harris phoned it in. Odds: 3.5-1
Clap Your Hands and Lick Your Tongue –
Peter Fonda – Ghost Rider – Could be a two Fondas winning awards this year. Odds: 6-1
Sam Elliot – Ghost Rider – Definitely the most annoying supporting role of the year, but was it the worst? Odds: 8-1
Poop Your Pants –
Giovanni Ribisi – Perfect Stranger - More fine work out of this budding Clown. His second nomination in this category. Odds: 16-1
David Straitham – The Bourne Ultimatum – People, we need Clowns on the screen people! Odds: 28-1
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Going To Work On Saturday –
Lindsay Lohan – Georgia Rule – This freckled coke slut will get plenty of support. But if any man actually went to see this movie, please hand over your balls on the way out. Odds: 2-1
Eva Mendes – Ghost Rider - Again, no way a chick like that goes for Nic Cage. More annoying is that they were supposed to be basically the same age. Eva’s skills were well presented in this film and then she tried to act. Next time take a page from Nova and stop speaking. Taylor! Taylor!!! Odds: 3-1
Going To Work On Monday –
Julieanne Moore – Next – Can you say “rock bottom”? Julianne, it’s been nice knowing you. Odds: 6-1
Marcia Gay Harden – The Mist – Another over-the-top religious nutball portrayed in a movie. Ho-hum. Odds: 8-1
Going To Work -
Lucy Lui – Code Name: Bad Actress – Take the Dallas Stars to win the Stanley Cup. Good value says I. Odds: 22-1
Amber Valleta – Dead Silence – Who? What? All I remember is no one had tongues at the end. Had you started that way your name wouldn’t be on this list. Odds: 22,121 -1
TOP CLOWN –
Bill Clinton Wagging His Finger –
Nic Cage – Sit back and reflect on the amazing year that Cage had. To have three films so bad and Clownariffic is simply amazing. On the heels of The Wickerman, 2008 may go down as his best/worst year ever. Odds: 2-1
John Travolta – Can not count him out. He did touch down in Clowntown, which may give him a sentimental vote. Apparently he was very friendly with the O-Town faithful. Wild Hogs and playing a fat woman in a musical - must be considered. Odds: 4-1
Fat Men Breathing Through Their Mouths –
Robert Redford – His attempted political message could cause Clowntown to pin Mr. Redford as this year’s Top Clown. Odds: 7-1
Eddie Murphy – His obsession with putting on fat suits for the big screen is disturbing. Odds: 8-1
Lindsay Lohan – In an off year her antics would make her the favorite. Please Lindsay, keep up your awful acting and off-screen antics! Odds: 15-1
Zack Braff – Hey, weren’t you my annoying college roommate? Odds: 33-1
Worst Screenplay – Lions For Lambs – Commies For Clowns
Worst Music – Wild Hogs – Let me guess, they played “Born To Be Wild”
Werst Edditing – The Last Holerday - Oar waz that movvie from last yeer?
Worst Visuals – I Am Legend – Why are the mutants so angry? Anyway, it was nice to see the actors from The Mummy get some work. Heeerrrrraarrrrr!!!!