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2005 CFA Wrap-Up

Historic CFA Awards For 2005 Proves To Be An Unusual Year For Clowntown

Winners List

For the first time in CFA history, the biggest winner in the Clownies earned more wins than the biggest winner for the Crowns. The long, dull and very GAY epic Alexander took home the big prize for Worst Film for one of its four wins. Oliver Stone captured Worst Director and the movie also nabbed Worst Script and Editing as it seemed to never, ever, end.

The Day After Tomorrow was not a slouch either as it took home Clown Film of the year and Worst Visuals for it's fake looking wolves and ridiculous storms. Top Clown went to Hall of Clown member Michael Moore for his work Farenheit 9/11, which is the first win for a documentary for either Crown or Clown. Nice going you fat tub. You can also see Moore in Team America from 2004.

Among the acting wins is some Jason Schwarzmann guy from I Heart Huckabees. Clowntown is starting a pattern where the famous are not necessarily winning the clownies (Justin Bartha beating Pacino last year for Gigli). Childhood stars won two categories for acting. The Olsen Twins won Worst Actress for New York Minute and Macauly Culkin won Worst Supporting Actress for Saved, despite only one or two people in Clowntown seeing these movies. Minnie Driver, from Phantom of the Opera, hammed it up for a Worst Supporting Actress win.

Spread the wealth was the theme for the Crowns this year. With no overwhelming favorite the most wins any film took home was three, shared by Best Picture winner Sideways, Passion of the Christ and the surprise of the CFAs Spider-Man 2. Also for the first time the Best Picture winner did not also win Best Director. Hall of Crown member Clint Eastwood won in a split decision over Scorcese and the gang for his gruesome tale of a female boxer in Million Dollar Baby.

Other trends ending: The film with most nominations wins Best Picture. In fact, The Aviator, with the most nods (12) won no awards, which is tied for the most all-time with Black Hawk Down for most nominations without a win. And perhaps the most significant trend to be broken is the tradition of long, sweeping epics taking home Best Picture with the win of Alexander Payne's Sideways.

Sideways won Best Picture, but only two other awards in a strange year for the CFAs.


Eastwood's surprise win even came to a shock to Clint. "First I am elected to the Hall of Crowns, which is the greatest honor anyone can receive, and now this! I am speechless. Thank you Clowntown!"

So what was the big winner? Well, there wasn't one. But Jim Caviezel's hard work and perservance through pneumonia, broken ribs, 12 inch gashes in his back, broken collar bones and being struck by lightning paid off with a Best Actor win. Natalie Portman stripped down and danced her way to Best Actress. Rising CFA star Scarlett Johansson won her first Crown in her second try while former Wings mechanic Thomas Haden Church (aka Lowell Mather) acted his way to his first Crown win.

Films with multiple wins included Troy (2 - Art Direction, Costume) and Team America (2), fuck yeah! The hilarious hollywood-Bruckheimer send up took the prize for Best Score and Best Original Script. Dodgeball also overcame the underdog role and won Best Cast for its wide range of crazy and unexplainable characters.

Now that the crap of 2004 is over we can look forward to 2005 with Best Picture contenders Kingdom of Heaven and The New World waiting in the wings to return the tradition of having long, sweeping epics taking home the top prize. Also, 2005 could see a new record breaker for most Clown Nominations and wins with Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Clowntown has had enough of Lucas' crap and is sure to honor the movie with its just rewards, provided it lives up to the hype and is a big piece of Bantha poodoo.

Oh Herro! Did you know I am so ronery, so vely ronery?

Sideways (3) - Picture, Supporting Actor (Church), Adapted Screenplay
Passion of the Christ (3) - Actor (Caviezel), Makeup, Cinematography
Spider-man 2 (3) - Visual Effects, Editing, Sound
Team America (2) - Score, Original Script
Troy (2) - Art Direction, Costume
Million Dollar Baby (1) - Director (Eastwood)
Closer (1) - Actress (Portman)
In Good Company (1) - Supporting Actress (Johansson)
Dodgeball (1) - Cast
Ray (1) - Music Compilation

Alexander (4) - Worst Film, Worst Director (Stone), Worst Script, Worst Editing
Day After Tomorrow (2) - Clown Film, Worst Visuals
I Heart Huckabees (1) - Worst Actor (Schwarztman)
New York Minute (1) - Worst Actress (Olsen Twins)
Saved! (1) - Worst Supporting Actor (Culkin)
Phantom Of The Opera (1) - Worst Supporting Actress (Driver)
Christmas With The Kranks (1) - Worst Music
Farenheit 9/11 (1) - Top Clown (Moore)


You will conquer the world, and you will conquer Clowntown, and you will be very, very, gaaaaaaaaaay.

I can't believe I won a Clownie! AHHH!!!